January always brings out the mad scientist in me. Here is my newest theory: if the rate of the passage of time is constant, the moments of the year that flew by must be balanced out by moments that dragged. I’m not talking about everyday slowness, like drumming my fingers as I wait for the coffee to brew or lingering on hold while a computerized voice repeatedly thanks me for my patience and returns me to Muzak Hell. The sloth of which I speak is a superhuman entity, moving at the speed of a plodding tortoise jammed into reverse and divided by ten. With that in mind, and without further ado, I am pleased to present:
THE TEN LONGEST MOMENTS OF 2015
1. Worrying as our dog paddled slowly back to shore after swimming out waaaaay too far into the lake chasing sea gulls. Those qualified as the longest minutes of my life, and probably hers, too. Afterward, we both collapsed onto the beach, utterly exhausted.
2. Waiting for my husband to make his effing move on the SCRABBLE board. (To be fair, he would probably say the same thing about me.)
3. Lying in the dental chair with my head lower than my body, bright light boring into my eyes, and the left side of my face shot full of Novocaine while a cheerful sadist jackhammers away at my molar.
4. Standing in line at Starbucks behind the poor sap nominated by his seventeen pickiest office mates to make the morning coffee run.
5. Sitting through the ridiculously long series of trailers that preceded “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” at the movie theater.
6. Waiting for the plumber to come and unclog the kitchen sink after I scorched a pot of chili and, in a panic, poured the whole thing down the garbage disposal. I wouldn’t have believed co-existing with an odor that foul could be classified as a “non-emergency.”
7. Enduring four days of non-stop drizzle cooped up inside a 27-foot motorhome with my husband and two dogs at a remote state park with severely limited cellular service and no access to WiFi.
8. Suffering through that miserable bout of bronchitis during which I coughed so hard that I strained a muscle between my ribs and couldn’t inhale without doubling over in pain. I tried splinting my torso with an old spandex “body shaper” but then I couldn’t breathe at all.
9. Traversing the final five miles of freeway before a long-awaited rest area, sorely regretting my decision to bypass the last one and fervently praying that the car will not hit a bump or pothole.
10. Every minute I’ve spent staring at a blinking cursor on a blank screen while in the throes of writer’s block.
What was your longest moment in 2015? Click HERE to share it!