INSPIRED BY IRREGULARITY

As part of Muri’s NPM challenge, I have written an IRREGULAR ODE. I recalled an ode I wrote a few years ago, a sonnet entitled How Do I Love Cheese? and considered re-posting it. But it no longer rang true, as the situation in my body is different these days, age having relegated me to the ranks of the lactose intolerant. So rather than venerating cheese, I shall sing the praises of my new bestie:

This is actually the purse-sized bottle, but I can’t for the life of me re-size the image.
Thanks, Block(head) Editor!

 

ODE TO LACTAID

Since the day Dairy turned on me,
you have been my rock and salvation
She stirred up an intestinal ruckus and
you marched straight into the battle zone,
neutralizing her weapons
and hammering out a peace treaty
worthy of a Nobel Prize

You have rescued me from a lifetime
of embarrassment and shame:
eating pizza, then excusing myself to the john
thrice during a single episode of Law and Order,
asphyxiating subsequent lavatory users
in a lingering cloud of Glade,
blaming the dog for crop dusting

You’re cheap enough for average Joes
and available over-the counter
in every size from the mammoth bottle
to the individually-wrapped singlet
You’re small and discreet,
caplet-shaped and easy to swallow
You are virtually free of side effects

You make the impossible possible
Half-n-half in my coffee
Milk on my cereal
Cheese on my burger
New England Clam chowder
Redi-Whip on my pumpkin pie
Even ice cream sandwiches!

Lactaid, you are my hero!