What rhymes with resolution? And exactly how many clichés can a writer employ in just over 600 words? Find out below! As the ball drops, I wish each of you success in your quests for the New Year!
The inclination to cuss and swear
is a part of my constitution
To change this effing tendency
was my New Year’s resolution
My plan was fricking foolproof
I’d use simple substitution
Cripe for crap and Jeez Louise
It seemed a good solution
Upon return to my blasted job
I tried to stay calm, Confucian
But a run-in with my jerkoff boss
Nearly caused a dissolution
It was bleepin’ hard to hold my tongue,
To adjust my elocution
But I held in those gosh-dang choice words
With flawless execution
In the car, some A-hole cut me off
I wanted retribution
But a finger gesture conveyed yuck-foo
Without the slightest diminution
How long can this charade persist,
My “clean language” revolution?
If the fury inside doesn’t eat me alive,
I’ll wind up in an institution!
TAKING THE BULL BY THE HORNS IN 2016
I’m dog tired and moving slower than molasses in January, but a new year is right around the corner, so I better get the lead out. The two-faced god offers us a clean slate, the chance to turn over a new leaf. Opportunity won’t knock twice though, so I need to bite the bullet and make my resolution before I get totally behind the eight ball. In the past, my ace in the hole had always been getting in shape, a goal I now avoid like the plague because it is so much easier said than done. A word to the wise: the highway to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with carrot sticks and abandoned exercise equipment. The fat lady has sung on that one; there’s no use beating a dead horse until the cows come home. So, I’m back to the old drawing board. Tighten the budget? A penny saved may be a penny earned, but the devil is in the details. A spending indiscretion here and there is merely the tip of the iceberg—a hop, skip, and a jump from upsetting the entire applecart. In a pinch, I could choose cleaning, but you only live once and who wants to go the whole nine yards with the vacuum cleaner and dustcloth on a wild goose chase? With a husband, two dogs, and a cat in the house, it’s like banging my head against a wall while they all have the last laugh.
I might as well throw in the towel! Plenty of well-meaning friends are willing to step up to the plate and put in their two cents worth, but their ideas usually open up a can of worms or completely miss the boat. Sometimes they’re right on target, but talk about the pot calling the kettle black! It takes all kinds, I guess.
I could let sleeping dogs lie and just cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe if I play my cards right, eleventh hour inspiration will strike and knock one clear out of the park—the be all, end all of resolutions! Call me a procrastinator if you wish… if the shoe fits, I always say. In the end, I’m only postponing the inevitable moment of truth when I have to acknowledge that a new writer like myself must think outside the box and leave all these tired clichés in the dust. But they counter me with a vengeance. “Words are just words,” they taunt. “What does it matter? Six of one, half a dozen of the other, so why not let the good times roll? Throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may! Why jump out of the frying pan into the fire? Going out on a limb is for the birds; even then, you’d just be waiting for the other shoe to drop. What if the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than a red herring? Face it, when it’s all said and done, you can run but you can’t hide!”
I know, however, that without fresh words and ideas, every page I pen will be up the creek without a paddle, so I have to draw the line. I’ll cut to the chase: come January 1st, I plan to seize the day! Push the pedal to the metal! Go full steam ahead! No guts, no glory! I wouldn’t touch another cliché with a ten-foot pole! I will cross my fingers, jump in with both feet, and keep my eyes on the prize. If I can simply hold the line and watch my p’s and q’s, improving my writing will be easy as pie. And the satisfaction of my New Year’s victory will be the icing on the cake!
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