My favorite toilet paper meme so far is this one:
I used to spin that baby like I was on Wheel of Fortune.
Now I do it like I’m cracking a safe.
While everyone else is freaking about the TP shortage, I’m coming up with solutions. My alternatives are normal, everyday things you’ll find around the house. They range from flushable and washable to cosmo-politan and unconventional, even S&M if you don’t mind it a bit rough. You’re welcome. Now stay in, stay safe, and stay clean and dry.
PS: I learned a new trick – how to do footnotes!
THE A-Z GUIDE TO
TP ALTERNATIVES
All types of wipes[1]
Brown grocery bags
Catalogs
Dust cloths
Euro-style bidet
Feminine products
Garden hose bidet
Handkerchiefs
Incontinence pads
Junk mail
Kleenex
Lone socks
Magazines
Napkins
Old newspapers
Paper towels
Quasi-TP[2]
Rags
Shop towels
Tissue paper
Unwashed undies
Vagabond items[3]
Washcloths
X-mas wrap
Yellow Pages
Zero waste methods[4]
[1] Baby, personal, flushable, hygienic, moist towelettes, Shittens
[2] Perforated paper on a roll that is 1-ply, recycled, or RV-safe
[3] Listed items that have wandered into your garage, car, treehouse, greenhouse, she-shed, storm cellar, camper, boat, summer cabin, etc.
[4] Shake-shake and Drip-dry (pee only)
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JUST JOAN 42 
Looks innovative, but be sure to keep a plumber’s phone number nearby, for some of those questionably flushable solutions.
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According to one plumber, most “flushable” items really aren’t. So if there’s any question, it will not be flushed. 🙂
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I feel sorry for your garbage collector.
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I have a whole basket full of lone socks – some of them have spent over two decades there, but for some reason, I have never tossed them. I think “What if their long lost partners do show up again only to find that they are gone . . . recycled?” That would be so sad. So they stay in the basket, waiting, waiting. Now I’m thinking they might be useful after all.
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Think of them as washable Shittens. Keep the basket by the commode, designate a “sock pail” (like the diaper pails of old), and launder them when the pail gets full. Sounds like you have enough for a full load. Look on the bright side, at least you won’t have to use grocery sacks or old newspapers. 🙂
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The garden hose bidet alternative sounds interesting… I’d have to assume this approach is probably best limited to one’s backyard, assuming all the quarantined neighbors may well be spending their days camped in front of the window, in search of something more entertaining than whatever is next up on Netflix. 😛
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You’re right, Quirky. Neighbors’ faces are in the windows at all hours, just waiting for something interesting to happen. Perhaps, for the sake of modesty and convenience, the hose could be hooked to an indoor faucet, or an outdoor one with access to the bathroom through a slightly open window? I could probably jury-rig something with gadgets from the garage. 🙂
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Junk mail? lol I’d like to strongly advise against that one and drip-dry, with the side rule that this is only for pee made me LOL
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Allow the junk mail to sit and decontaminate for 7-14 days before wiping with it. Anyone who is wigging out needs to use a little imagination. I was able to get TP on my last shopping trip, it was some off-brand called Fiora and was limited to one package (four double rolls) per customer. Whatever–it’s better than wiping on old socks or blasting your behind with a garden hose. 🙂
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LMAO indeed
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