The Mister is planning a tail-end-of-the-season RV trip and keeps trying to persuade me to come along. I almost get swept up in the romance of it, almost. I know the minute I let my guard down, the RV gods will sock it to me. One minute, we’ll be rolling along fine, the next, the brakes will overheat, a tire will blow out, or we’ll miss one effing sign and end up on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere. Or we’ll hit a pothole and fail to notice that a bicycle bounced off the rack and has been dragging behind us, burning rubber and throwing sparks, for the past five miles. Once we’re settled in the RV camp, the dog will piddle in our bed, the coin-op washing machine will steal my quarters, and the unique mini-lights that were supposed to make our RV easy to find after dark will turn out to be so popular they’re on half the campers in our section.
The following are parodies of The Passionate Shepherd to His Love by Christopher Marlowe and The Nymph’s Reply by Sir Walter Raleigh:
THE PASSIONATE RV-ER TO HIS LOVE
Come away with me, my love,
asphalt below, blue skies above
We’ll roll along in our RV,
off-the-grid and schedule-free
We’ll snub the boring Interstate
and motor where adventure waits
Roads less traveled, scenic paths,
fate our compass, fortune our map
We’ll eat at local Mom and Pops
like breakfast dives and donut shops,
have a second or third coffee
and ask the waitress what to see
Claims to fame, local landmarks
Waterfalls, amusement parks
Town museums, covered bridges
Winding trails up mountain ridges
Evenings, we’ll enjoy sunsets
from lounge chairs on the upper deck
and share a bottle of Chardonnay
as waxing night meets waning day
Then go inside and watch TV
or pull the shades and make whoopee
in the flickering light of a 12V bulb
Come away with me, my love
HER TRAVEL-WEARY REPLY
If traveling in our RV
was comfortable and trouble-free
and as idyllic as you describe
I’d hit the road with you, my love
Clear blue skies are unsurpassed
but sometimes storms are forecast
We’ll have, without a reservation,
no power, water, or dumping station
Country roads are picturesque
but oft confound the GPS
And a breakdown out in Boonie-Ville
is sure to dampen my goodwill
Over time, I’ve grown immune
to the lure of booths at greasy spoons
The trailer door is just so wide;
our asses might get stuck outside
Hauling lounge chairs to the deck
and down again is a pain in the neck
And sunsets pale, however stellar,
in a haze of OFF! and Citronella
If gypsy life possessed the charm
and easiness of Home Sweet Home
my hermit self might then be moved
to hit the road with you, my love
Have a comment? Click HERE to share it!
Below are links to my RV series from 2016:
RV-ING FOR BEGINNERS
INTERMEDIATE RV-ING
ADVANCED RV-ING
😂😂😂
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Thanks, PB. The long and short of it? No matter how well-prepared you are, shit will happen on the road. I have dealt with a runaway cat, snow in late April, a frozen toilet valve, GPS black holes, an oven that took over two hours to heat a semi-frozen lasagna, a 90-year old neighbor who left his shades open 24/7, you name it. 🙂
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Never done RV. My wife won’t hear about it.
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What? You mean “Come away with me, my love, asphalt below, blue skies above…” doesn’t work with her either? Smart lady. 🙂
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Never worked😂
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I really like this one. All sounds idyllic but give me a hotel anytime.
But always enjoyed the ride.
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Thanks, Joyce. I am the opposite; the ride is torture, I’m a much happier camper once we get where we’re going and get settled in. 🙂
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very funny ….says it all about pitfalls on the road.
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Thanks, Dianne. It covers the basics, but you learn more about crisis management every time you take a trip. You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a 15-year old dog with weak legs and a bladder that can’t hold more than an hours worth of pee on a thousand mile trip to the coast so he can swim in the ocean. Or crossed the George Washington bridge in NYC towing a car on a car trailer… 6 axles = 60 bucks, which I had to retrieve from a locked fire safe under the bed while the toll booth lady waited. 🙂
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This reminds me of that old movie, The Long, Long Trailer, starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. I don’t like RV’s either. I prefer getting good gas mileage and being able to park just about anywhere I want. And it seems no matter how much you save on motel rooms, it still costs more to own and operate an RV than to bite the bullet and pay for lodging.
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Thanks, Tippy. I’m sure Lucy and Desi put a humorous spin on campers and camping. RV-ing is not about saving money on vacation; RV’s are gas guzzlers at <10 mpg and sometimes a full hook-up in an RV park costs as much as a cheap motel room. It's a culture. Also a way of being able to take your pets with you and have your own space (albeit small) when you travel. It's convenient when we visit family because it's not that far (150-200 miles), we can camp for free in their driveway, and we don't have to hire a pet-sitter. 🙂
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So what I am reading here, incredible as it sounds, is that you may not wish to go?
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You got it, Mister. The RV god shall be your co-pilot. Bon voyage. 🙂
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I had to laugh! My Sparky has on several occasions suggested “camping” as a cheap alternative to the costs of traveling. I however refuse to sleep on the ground. We camped in our youth. Endured storms while attempting to sleep in a car, a small Toyota… there is misery and then there is camping!!
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Thanks, Muri. RV’s are a giant step above the kind of camping where you sleep on the ground, but they come with their own set of challenges. I’ve camped in a tent, car, Jeep, VW Bus, and RV. I usually find rain/storms very soothing, what I hate are the mosquitoes lying in wait to eat me alive when my feet touch the wet grass the next morning. I’ve been called a pessimist, but I think “realist” fits me better. Problems are a little less annoying when you anticipate and prepare for them rather than just pretend they won’t happen. 🙂
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Come to sunny Southern California: No insects; no rain; beautiful winter! You’re welcome to camp on my vacant lots which have a splendid view in three directions. (electricity available from the neighbors) BTW, I hope I’m not the only one who spit up her coffee at the “Will it fit?” cartoon placed almost immediately after the list of entertainment options.
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Thanks for your generous invitation, Judy. Getting the ol’ bucket of bolts to Cali would be the problem. No insects??? What pollinates all the produce grown out there? I almost spit out MY coffee when I read your comment about the cartoon being a reflection on the “entertainment options.” That was completely unintentional, but hilarious. 🙂
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You simply must go on this RV adventure! You’ll have (many) years worth of writing material afterward. 🤣
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Thanks, Quirky. I’ve been traveling with hubs for thirty years now, and RV-ing for eight, so I already have the patience of Job and enough material for a trilogy. Maybe an entire encyclopedia. 🙂
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HA! I’m going to have to print this out and show it to my hubby, who wholeheartedly wants us to buy and RV in a decade or so and drive across the country
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Do all men have this crazy fantasy? Stand your ground, KE. If you decide to do it, hold onto your socks; a new motorhome could cost more than your real house! 🙂
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Well, I have to say, I like the romantic lure of an open road, but as I can also see, there are some significant pitfalls, haha! 😀
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Yeah, it all sounds dreamy until reality pinches you in the second half! 🙂
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I love this one! – Too funny. Who ended up winning the argument anyway? (Or will I find out in an upcoming post about your latest breakdown in Boonie-ville?)
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The homebody, me. JudyRutrider’s comment is hilarious, scroll down. 🙂
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