I’ve always taken a “comfort first” attitude toward clothing. I supposed I would outgrow my disdain for pantyhose and other constricting items as I moved into adulthood, but just the opposite has happened. I will contend that bras have their place, but they’re the first garment to be shed when I bust (pun intended!) through the front door. My maiden voyage on the “SS Foundation” occurred some years ago. I attended a work function wearing a “body shaper” under my dress. Like magic, it sculpted the area between my boobs and my knees into an hourglass.
I couldn’t breathe, but that turned out to be the least of my problems. During the 15-minute intermission, every woman in attendance made
a beeline for the restroom – a veritable throng of ladies clamoring for two measly stalls. Wrestling oneself in and out of a body shaper takes however long it takes, even if a full-blown mutiny is in progress on the other side of the stall door. That day, I decided foundations have their place, too. Like the trash can. Or the donation bin at Goodwill. (You’d be surprised what they will accept, as my friend Murisopsis discovered.) Without further ado, two lingerie parodies: Bras à la Emily Dickinson and Foundations à la Dorothy Parker:
Bras are the things with tethers
stitched to sturdy cups
that work together eighteen hours
to hold our hooters up
Lending them support and form,
defying gravity,
feats they managed for themselves
when we were in our teens
Still, they feel like prison walls
around our lady shapes,
who, yoked in airless Spandex yearn
for evening’s sweet escape
FOUNDATIONS
Shapers pinch you;
Corsets can pop;
Girdles cinch you
but make muffin-top.
Comfort waists aren’t;
Spandex snaps;
Fuck undergarments;
I’d rather look fat.
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I think if I was a woman I would not wear a bra. I’ve heard it’s a myth that not wearing a bra causes Coopers Droop. Apparently, rocks in socks is a genetic malady. So to hell with bras. Women were burning their bras back in the 70’s, so I don’t understand why they continue to wear them.
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Thanks for the comment, Tippy. Bras are helpful in keeping boobs in their cups and men’s eyes in their sockets, but I see nothing wrong with an open-air approach in the privacy of one’s own home. The body shapers are my nemesis. I asked the clerk if maybe the thing was mislabeled–XL looked like it might fit a twiggy twelve-year-old. 🙂
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Yeah, I hear back in the old days, women were warned of the health hazards of corsets, as they tended to displace internal organs.
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Corsets were fashionable around the same time as fainting couches. Imagine that!
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I’ll bet corsets came first.
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All rumors to the contrary, we never did burn any. We just stopped wearing them. And very comfortable it was.
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So the bra burning bit was just a rumor, Ellen? I wouldn’t know; in the 60’s I was not even a twinkle in my parents’ eyes. I go boob-commando in the privacy of my own home and it is indeed comfortable. 🙂
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Too bad. It would have been a sight, to see women at a public demonstration, burning their bras.
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Sorry–I’ve run out of reply buttons, so this is in the wrong spot, but somehow that myth about burning started circulating and nothing–least of all reality–is likely to stop it. It’s the power of the image, I guess.
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HAHAHAHA! You nailed this! I’m snort laughing! I’ve had homicidal undergarments before and have kicked them to the curb in seconds flat. Then I’ve had others that were dear friends that made me look (and most importantly feel) like a fashion model. I’ve never understood those women who wear “sleep bras”. I suspect they were insane or drugged…. I have avoided panty hose for many years – last time I wore a pair was two years ago to a wedding… I’m hoping I have attended most of the weddings for awhile. Praying for summer nuptials only so I can wear a long dress sans hose!
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Thanks, Muri. There is no garment on earth that will transform me into a fashion model. Anything that snug would cause muffin-bottom (a condition in which the fat, having nowhere else to go, migrates out the bottom of the legs of the garment and makes a ridiculous-looking roll. Doable with a skirt. With pants, not so much.) What on earth is a “sleep bra” ??? Maybe that’s where you tuck in your prosthetic boobs for the night. Despite hundreds of lectures from my mom on acting ladylike, I will do anything in my power to duck a pair of pantyhose. So tell me, what does Murisopsis mean? 🙂
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These are oh so true and so very funny, Joan! I can’t wait for evening either. Who needs undergarments? 😀
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Thanks, Lana. Some people never leave home without their body shaper, like my grandma who always wore her “snuggies,” (a girdle-like torture device that went from her waist to her knees). I am unsure why companies make slimming garments in small, medium, or even large… if you need one, you probably need XL. A friend on FaceBook sent me this hilarious clip of a woman donning her Spanx: https://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/vb.199098633470668/729750087365469/?type=2&theater
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OMGosh! I almost laughed up my lunch! This was so hilarious–and I so need to laugh this month! BONUS: I love Emily Dickinson, so I really appreciate a good parody of her work. I’m making a note to reblog this post some time this month. Thanks for the laughter!
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Thanks for the comment, Chandra! I parody a lot of the classics, it’s a hobby of mine. Some others you might enjoy are How Do I Love Cheese? (a parody of Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnet 43, https://justjoan42.wordpress.com/2018/09/16/holy-gorgonzola/) and Booger, Booger (a parody of William Blake’s Tyger, Tyger, https://justjoan42.wordpress.com/2018/09/09/tygers-and-boogers-oh-my/. For more, just type “parody” in the search box (the magnifying glass-looking thingy). Enjoy! 🙂 Just Joan
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Oooh! Yay! I’ll definitely be reading these. Thanks for sharing. I’m looking forward to a break when I can read “all the blogs” and just chill out for a bit.
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I love those lazy days, too, when I can catch up on my WP Reader. 🙂
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Since a dear friend informed me that we (people of a certain age) are sexually invisible anyway, I’ve allowed comfort to be the guiding force in my fashion choices. I did watch the link to the video and decided that it might be a good workout regimen.
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Sexually invisible? To all but the makers of “little blue pills” and Astroglide. Donning a shaper does look like a good workout, but needing the Jaws of Life to remove it might be a bit of a deterrent. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Pics and Posts and commented:
I ran across Just Joan’s blog a month (or so) ago and she made me laugh, laugh, laugh at a time when I really needed laughter. You will love her parodies of classic poems and poetic forms. Start with “Letting it All Hang Out” and move through more of her posts. Prepare for lots of laughter. Enjoy!
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Thanks for the re-blog, Chandra! ‘Tis the season of sharing, right? Always glad to see the WP circle grow wider. 🙂
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When I was very thin and didn’t actually need one, I could wear a body shaper and be (more or less) comfortable (of a sort), or at least breathing. However, now that I “need” one, I find it impossible to wear. Yes, finding the strength and coordination to get them on and off is my first complaint, discomfort my second. And really, I didn’t look significantly better imo!! So, yeah… money wasted, lesson learned. My natural shape will have to suffice. And bras themselves? I keep seeing ads for super comfortable bras but haven’t found one, so… I have decided it is the unicorn of the clothing world. If I’m home, it’s mostly off. (I try to keep one handy for doorbell emergencies, ha!!) Again, when I was thin I didn’t mind it but now I can barely stand it.
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Yeah, Holly, body shapers fit fine if you don’t need one, LOL. I’ve never noticed much improvement either, but I’ve seen some new ones that come all the way up to the boobs–if they cause muffin-top that overspills into my bra, they might be worth trying. The internet runneth over with ads from ThirdLove, Knix, Genie, etc, all too rich for my blood. I thought I was the only one who kept a bra handy for “doorbell emergencies.” Thanks for the read and comment. 🙂
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I just learned a new word: “foundations”. Have never tried one. And now, never will!
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Really? There used to be a directory sign at the top of the JC Penney escalator that listed “foundations” which I guess is the hoity-toity word for bras and girdles. 🙂
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I realize I have a somewhat culturally different perspective about having to artificially hold up my guts and (non-prosthetic) Asian-sized boobs as I lose my twenty-something physique. The traditional Japanese article was the “koshimaki”, which was just a long strip of cloth that served as a sort of universal undies, but that could be wrapped as high (or as tightly) as needed. That Japanese women used to wear this under as much as 50-pounds of kimono fabric notwithstanding, spend a steamy summer in Tokyo and and you’ll understand why contemporary restrictive “foundations” are most likely to be worn an air-conditioned “love hotel”.
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