After last week’s post, I googled “funny epitaphs” and found these.
Dozens of fellow hypochondriacs echoed Tippy Gnu’s sentiment:
Two-thirds of my long nursing career was spent in an office, caring for Internal Medicine patients that ranged in age from AARP to elderly.
A lot of that time was devoted to phone calls, including the triage of various symptoms. It’s a fact that when you hit a certain age, bodies start to go haywire. Your eyes go wonky; suddenly, your arms aren’t long enough to read a menu. You forget things. Your energy flags. You get dizzy. Your heart flippy-flops in your chest. You get winded walking your normal route. Your knees ache. Your back aches. You develop constipation. You can’t sleep. Etc. It could be nothing, or it could be something. I ended up scheduling a lot of appointments to
let the doctor sort it out. Many of the patients consulted online sites like symptomchecker.com or diagnoseme.com before they called me. (Who says older people aren’t computer-savvy?) They knew what they had, or at least, what tests should be ordered. When the results came back negative, instead of breathing a sigh of relief, they’d protest and demand a more intensive work-up. I know from experience the flurry
of testing that one piddling complaint can set in motion. That said, I
am hesitant to mention every little twinge. My approach (one I do not advocate for everyone) is as follows: if it’s minor or can be solved with a trip to the drugstore, I shut up about it. The hours I have left on this earth are limited and I’d rather not while them away reading outdated magazines in some doctor’s waiting room. This poem’s for you, Tippy. Enjoy that Redbook circa 1995; the doctor will be with you shortly.
Some ailments run in families;
it’s proven they’re genetic.
I’m ripe to have a heart attack
or wind up diabetic.
I found a scary-looking mole;
I’m positive it’s cancer.
But Doc will say it looks benign,
his standard go-to answer.
I’ve put on six or seven pounds,
my hair is falling out.
My thyroid must be out of whack;
too low, without a doubt.
I suffer from exhaustion
and my feet are always freezing.
According to my online search,
anemia’s the reason.
My allergies are flaring up.
I’m riddled with arthritis.
This sharp pain in my abdomen
could be appendicitis.
My check-up turns up nothing
but alas, my mind won’t rest:
I know there’s something wrong with me!
Please, Doc, just one more test?
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