PLUNGED INTO A NIGHTMARE

Have you ever felt like you were being trolled after making an online purchase?  The Cosmos knows not only what you bought, but a host of other things you might like, based on that choice.  It suggests items to complement or enhance it.  It pops up helpful messages like “Others who bought this item also bought X, Y, and Z.”  This may be tolerable if you’ve purchased something innocuous, like a socket set or a sleeping bag or a case of dog food.  But if it was something of a more personal nature, look out.  It could trail behind you like an embarrassing ribbon
of toilet paper stuck to your heel.  Read and heed this cautionary tale:


BUYER BEWARE

The Squatty Potty© that I bought
as a gag gift for a friend
unleashed a virtual onslaught
of gear for my rear end

A screen popped up before I had
completed my transaction
suggesting, for my favorite lad,
a kit called Master Crapsman©

The link connected in a snap
to a site for Poo-Pourri©
Just spritz the bowl with Trap-a-Crap©
and drop a deuce, scott-free!

They also thought I might enjoy
a box of quilted Shittens©
an ill-conceived commercial ploy
for wet wipes shaped like mittens

I cleared my cookies straightaway
suspecting double-cross
but onward marched the shit parade
like a wave of chocolate sauce

T-shirts with “I pooped today!”
stamped across the chest,
padded seats and chrome bidets
and fiber supplements

Free shipping on a new commode,
a plumbing tour de force
designed to handle outsize loads
in just one flush, of course

I phoned the website to demand
they cork their brown assault
They claimed it was out of their hands
Alas, the system’s fault


But accept this free Emoji Turd
a download for your phone
in case you’re at loss for words
or texting on the throne

I found a clever use for it,
a survey from their end
I awarded them five little shits

and pushed the key to SEND

The last laugh wasn’t mine, I fear
I found myself upstaged,
Joan LIKES the Squatty Potty! smeared
across my FaceBook page

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35 thoughts on “PLUNGED INTO A NIGHTMARE

  1. Tippy Gnu August 20, 2017 / 8:29 am

    There must be a way to stop this. Have you tried flushing your cache memory, or wiping your hard drive?

    Liked by 5 people

    • Just Joan August 20, 2017 / 9:54 am

      Very funny, Tippy. Deleting cookies is the best I can do, the rest is simply an algorithm designed to haunt you until you buy something else. So that’s the answer. Buy something else. Just be forewarned and be careful not to pick something poop or butt-related. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Joyce Robinson August 20, 2017 / 8:37 am

    I love this.
    So true. 😀😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 20, 2017 / 9:55 am

      Thanks, Joyce. Internet commerce is full of long, dark, haunting shadows. 🙂

      Like

  3. Marissa Bergen August 20, 2017 / 12:25 pm

    Oh goodness, this is too funny! Are these real items?? You should add links!! And, by the way, bought it for a friend, eh?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 20, 2017 / 12:58 pm

      Oh, yes, Marissa. These products are absolutely real. I thought about adding links, but I was afraid if anyone clicked on them, the Cosmos would know and they would be followed by the “brown shadow.” Of course the Squatty Potty was for a friend, wink wink. 🙂

      Like

  4. chevvy8 August 20, 2017 / 12:54 pm

    Oh this was really a laugh Joan, “butt” you know big brother is always watching you so now he knows that we all know! 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 20, 2017 / 1:06 pm

      Thanks, Chev. Lessons served with a side of humor, right here at Just Joan 42. The moral of this story: if you need Depends or a tube of Preparation H, buy it at the corner drugstore, not online! I’m curious if my commenters will start getting pop-ups about toilet items, now that Big Brother knows that they “liked” this post. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • chevvy8 August 20, 2017 / 1:15 pm

        Oh the banks know all about us too with any transactions paid through cards. Talking about Preparations and all that stuff, my mind wonders when I watch bags being scanned at the airport.😀 You gotta leave your toys at home.
        Hey who knows – Big Brother might thank you for free international advertising courtesy search engines.😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Just Joan August 20, 2017 / 1:21 pm

        I never thought about that. Gosh, guess you’ve got to live off the grid, cash only, if you don’t want your private business spewed all over the ether. Your bit about “toys” in bags at the airport cracked me up. No sir, no need to unzip the bag, that’s just my “Mr Microphone.” Yikes! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • chevvy8 August 20, 2017 / 1:24 pm

        Microphone? – I’ve just lost my voice 😂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. L. T. Garvin, Author August 20, 2017 / 3:21 pm

    Oh Joan, lol! I have been trolled, but I usually do visit the corner drugstore for products of the private sort. I buy a lot from Amazon, so I’m familiar with the Tracking Trolls. My goodness, why do all the companies have to profit from every little thing! These product names are quite hysterical much like those cosmetics. You will have to log on and buy something else so they can target you with some new products, ha ha! Yes by all means, let’s keep the toy bag zipped 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 20, 2017 / 3:43 pm

      Thanks, Lana. I notice the trolls target me especially heavily if I LOOK at something but don’t buy it. It will keep popping up all over the place. Some don’t even make sense… if I just ordered a 6-pack of shampoo in the brand I prefer, why pop up ads for a different brand? I apparently like the kind I bought enough to get six of them, a quantity that will last me several months. It is kind of funny to follow their train of thought and assumptions, like, if you buy organic dog food, your spoiled pup probably also needs a raincoat and boots and a memory foam dog bed with a plush cover. At airports, I am always the victim of “random” inspections, so I never pack anything too racy. It’s nice that they leave a note in your bag (“TSA wuz here”), but isn’t it obvious when you find everything stuffed in there haphazardly instead of neatly folded? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. T. Garvin, Author August 21, 2017 / 9:54 am

        I guess the trolls do their market research and are convinced if you have a spoiled dog that you are also gonna need the raincoat and boots, lol. The TSA, oh yes, the Rock Guy swears they stole his monkey pajamas! This was several years ago and he is still ranting and raving about it today. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Just Joan August 21, 2017 / 5:06 pm

        TSA stole his monkey pajamas? That is sooooo wrong. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. L. T. Garvin, Author August 20, 2017 / 3:25 pm

    For some reason, I left a comment and it vanished, ha ha…oh well, Joan, that’s is so embarrassingly funny! I was familiar with the Tracking Trolls although I do use the corner drugstore for purchases of a more private sort. I don’t understand why corporate America has to be so greedy to relentlessly stalk us online! My significant other, who is a rock star and comedian, used to embarrass me all the time when I would purchase Depends for my mom. He would wait til we got to the checkout and crack a loud joke for the cashier and those standing behind us. I wanted to die, as I avoid attention like the plague and he just loves being in the spotlight. Just wait til he needs Depends some day! By all means, keep the toy bag zipped, lol!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Elyse August 21, 2017 / 12:15 pm

    Can you imagine what MY feed is like? Makes me want to toss my cookies!

    I love being remembered for Shittens, Joan. And that you can make poetry out of anything!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 21, 2017 / 12:38 pm

      Thanks, Elyse. Your feed must be insane, what with all the poo products you look into. Your Shittens shall forever remain in the archives of Just Joan 42. I honestly thought you’d made them up to be funny. After I searched them on Amazon.com and discovered they were an actual product, I started getting barraged with all this related shit. So I kept notes of what popped up in my feeds and that’s how the poem came to be. Elyse, you were the inspiration! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Elyse August 21, 2017 / 1:28 pm

        Not many will say that about me where poop is concerned!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Elyse August 21, 2017 / 1:28 pm

        Oh, and I NEVER make things up. Truth really is stranger than fiction!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. K E Garland August 21, 2017 / 7:41 pm

    L…M…A…O Who knew there was so much sh*t designed for, well…sh*tting lol omgosh I hate that you have had to go through this, but it has made laugh out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 22, 2017 / 12:15 pm

      Thanks, KE, glad to bring a little sunshine into your day. Who knew? You can’t outsmart them. We live and learn, I guess. I love getting 2-day shipping from Amazon, but this has caused me to reconsider what I will order. Face it, everything we buy says something about us. All those small pieces added together will eventually reveal our Kryptonite, tell the marketers exactly where to aim. As I said, a cautionary tale. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Quirky Girl August 22, 2017 / 3:12 pm

    Holy Master Crapsman! I think I’d buy those Shittens just because of the hysterical name! 😝

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 22, 2017 / 4:21 pm

      Oh yeah, Quirky. Master Crapsman was kind of cool, a toolbox-shaped package containing two men’s formulations of Poo-Pourri, Trap-a-Crap and Royal Flush. If you have never seen the original Poo-Pourri commercial, you must. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Quirky Girl August 22, 2017 / 4:52 pm

        I think I know what I’ll be getting my brother this Christmas… 😜

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Peter Klopp August 22, 2017 / 5:08 pm

    Priceless and very funny, Joan! Your poem touches on a real problem about privacy on the Internet. Recently I made a search for a printer.and now I get flooded with offers no matter which site I visit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 22, 2017 / 6:33 pm

      Thanks, Peter! Never have marketers been so hungry for our information; this was just a rather extreme example of what can happen. I think the backlash is worse when you look, but don’t buy, as you did with the printer. Now that they know you want one, you’ll be a prime target for ads. Good luck! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan August 25, 2017 / 1:16 pm

      Thanks, Elan. You have insightfully distilled this poem to its bare essence, both literally and figuratively. Appreciate the read and comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. circumstance227 September 4, 2017 / 4:28 pm

    I cried while reading this – seriously! – tears were coming from my eyes.
    What a cautionary tale. So (bowel-) moving!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just Joan September 4, 2017 / 6:00 pm

      Hopefully happy tears, 227, happy that I saved you from a similar fate. Of note, I did not need to purchase the tour de force commode because I already own it, the American Standard Champion 4; beat ’em to the flush on that one! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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