I have been busy, busy, busy this week, so I’m recycling a post from last December inspired, in part, by Starbuck’s dilemma about serving their coffees in red holiday cups. Relax and enjoy this encore presentation:
THE TWELVE BANES OF CHRISTMAS
HOLY HOLIDAY HOOLIGANS, BATMAN! These evil yuletide villains have returned for the season and may be headed to a city near you:
PUMPKIN SPICE MEISTER is the mastermind behind a diabolical plan to take over the world before the New Year by slowly invading every product line, from flavored coffee drinks to scented doggie-poo bags.
THE RED-CUPSTER, disguised as an ambassador of political correct-ness, pulls shameless publicity stunts to conjure up conflict, squelch goodwill, and distract the public from the real meaning of Christmas.
THE ZAPSTER incites electrical mayhem by tangling up strands of lights, hiding the multi-outlets you know you just bought, shorting
out extension cords, and blowing random circuits in the fuse box.
THE NEEDLER sucks up endless gallons of water and sheds every time you look at him. Stay calm and don’t make a move toward the vacuum cleaner or he will spontaneously combust and set your house on fire.
THE MUDDLER employs hypnosis to take control of brain cells, causing confusion, incomplete lists, multiple trips to the store and post office, and inability to recall what it was you crawled up into the attic for.
THE PRANKSTER joins random groups of carolers and sings off-key, deploys his fart machine during church services, transforms prime parking spaces into queues for shopping carts, and teases the family dog by hiding little sausages in the toes of all the Christmas stockings.
THE SCOTCH TAPESTER is an obsessive-compulsive psychopath driven to secure all loose folds of wrapping paper directly onto the box, thus insuring that each and every package is sealed up as tight as Fort Knox.
THE TOPPLER creates a powerful optical illusion that causes you to see your tree as straight when it is, in fact, quite crooked. He then arranges all the heaviest ornaments on one side and chases the cat up the trunk.
THE PEEKSTER dislikes surprises, so he secretly unwraps his Christmas gifts and examines the contents, then carefully rewraps them and puts them back under the tree. His archenemy is the Scotch-Tapester.
THE SAMPLER pops into the kitchen and helps himself when your back is turned. He sneaks nips of the good whiskey and is especially fond of “finger foods” such as cookie dough, cheese balls, and turkey gravy.
THE SHRINKSTER performs his evil magic throughout the season on everything from cardboard shipping boxes and the trunk of your car to your holiday budget and the waistband of your favorite pants.
THE LEFT-OGLER stands there forever holding the refrigerator door open, picking at the turkey carcass and checking out the Tupperware, before walking away whining “There’s nothing to eat around here!”
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