double dish dare ya

The following dialog, a compilation of several real-life conversations with my cable company, begins after a fifteen minute wait on hold:

“Thank you for choosing Rip-Off Cable.  My name is Don.  How many I assist you today?”

“Well, Don, I’m calling because my internet speed keeps slowing down and jamming up the programs I’m streaming.”

“Let me log in and check on that.  Hmmm… when did it happen?”

“It happens all the time!  Most recently, last night around 9 or 10 pm.”

“Our computer shows no interruption in service in your area during that time.  It could be due to software incompatibility or transmissions using a non-RipOff tower.  As you know, we have no control over that.”

“This is not a one-time thing, Don.  And every time I call to complain, you guys deny responsibility.  It’s annoying!  I’m considering a switch to AD+D U-Curse.”

“According to the data here on my screen, AD+D’s high-speed U-Curse is not available in your service area.  Looks like RipOff is pretty much your only option, am I right?”

“Maybe I should just ditch cable TV.  That would save us a few bucks.  We hardly watch it anyway.”

“Says here you’ve got a bundle rate for having your cable, telephone, and internet with us.  So you could drop cable, but it wouldn’t reduce your bill; in fact, you’d pay about five dollars more.”

“Five dollars more?  That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!  How is that even possible?”

“Three or more services are required to qualify for the bundle discount.  Here at RipOff Cable, you save a bundle by bundling!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Don.  Last month’s bill went up ten bucks from what it had been in May.  So actually, I’m paying more for internet speed that I’m not even getting.”

“The amount we’re charging you is the customary rate for 30 Mbps and we give you 50 Mbps!  That’s like getting an extra 20 Mbps for free!”

“But Don, I’ve had 50 Mbps all along and now it costs ten dollars more.”

“The additional charges represent an across-the-board rate increase designed to cover the cost of our recent equipment upgrades.”

“Well, I don’t know what you’ve upgraded, because my service is worse, not better.  And what do you mean, across-the-board?  That can’t be right.  My neighbor has RipOff, too, and her bill didn’t go up.”

“Then it must be all those taxes and fees the state and federal tack on.  We are required by law to collect those fees.  They can really add up.”

“Hey, Don, there was a flyer in my bill last month offering basic cable, phone, and high speed internet for $49.99 a month.  That’s quite a bit less than I pay now.  How about you switch me over to that plan?”

“Sorry, but if you read the fine print on the bottom of the flyer, you’ll see that our special introductory rate is for new customers only.”

“Then why would you put it in with the bill?  Only existing customers get bills, right?”

“We’re hoping you’ll pass the coupon on to your family or friends.  So they can enjoy the superior service and value we offer here at RipOff.”

“Since when it is superior service to refuse existing customers the same low rate that you offer to new ones?  I’d like to speak with a manager.”

“Ma’am, there is no need to involve a manager.  I’ll do you a favor.  I’ll make an exception in your case and switch you over to our introductory plan.  You’ll see the change on your next billing cycle.  But the special rate is guaranteed for twelve months only.  After that, it reverts back to the higher rate.”

“So, to clarify, you’re saying that my RipOff bill will be $49.99 a month for one full year?”

“I cannot promise that, Ma’am.  Just because the rate is guaranteed doesn’t mean the price of your service won’t go up.”


“So, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

“What about the internet slow-downs and interrupted streaming?  You know, the problem I originally called you about?”

“Here’s what you need to do.  Switch the modem off and unplug it, wait 15-30 seconds, then plug it back in and turn it on.  That should reset it.”

“Sounds good, I’ll try it right now.  Stay on the line, Don, OK?  Just in case it doesn’t work… Don, are you there?  Don?  Hello???”

Grrrr!  I dare you to hang up on me again, Don.  I double-dish dare you!

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10 thoughts on “I DOUBLE-DISH DARE YOU!

  1. Marissa Bergen July 3, 2016 / 12:56 am

    Cable companies are the worst. I think there’s a prequesite that they all have to be shysters.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Just Joan July 3, 2016 / 7:42 am

      And all their reps are required to take courses in Nonsense and Double-Speak.


      • Marissa Bergen July 4, 2016 / 12:47 pm

        Yes, these are languages that will not become lost…unfortunately!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Tippy Gnu July 3, 2016 / 9:09 am

    Frustrating as hell, ain’t it? We got tired of them and just recently switched our TV service to Dish. We love it. There’s far more selection for less price, and the quality is better. We still get “high-speed” internet from the cable company, because in spite of it’s actual low speed, it’s still faster than satellite. Maybe one day satellite will catch up, in that department, and we can ditch cable for good.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Joyce Robinson July 3, 2016 / 9:10 am

    And now because of outsourcing I can’t understand Bob or Bill. On top of that I pay a bundle for very limited channels.
    Ugh and ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. L. T. Garvin, Author July 3, 2016 / 5:59 pm

    I think I have had a conversation much like that one before. I had Dish Network for years, and the bill just became more and more. I finally switched back to the cable company for Internet, and went on board with Sling TV via the Roku which is a fraction of the price although not nearly as many channels. I’m actually not much of a TV watcher, it is mainly for the guy in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. chevvy8 July 3, 2016 / 6:11 pm

    Rip Off company indeed! How we conned all the time. Thanks this post. It is so real to many of us I’m sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. K E Garland July 7, 2016 / 2:03 pm

    Omgosh! Unfortunately, I laughed all the way through this. Yes. This is accurate.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. circumstance227 July 8, 2016 / 6:12 pm

    Sadly hysterical!
    I have been catching up on my Reader for hours. At the start I said to myself “I will do this until I get to Just Joan.” I got there. It was worth the wait. And now, Good Night!

    Liked by 1 person

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