After a recent dinner out, the waiter dropped off our check.  The total?  $42.42.  I know, right?  What a bizarre coincidence!  In addition to our wondrous Mediterranean meal, we had each consumed the answer to life, the universe, and everything.  If you are what you eat, I’d rather be a Guru than a Shawarma or a Fried Kibbi.  The kicker?  If my dog were to chew up this receipt, as he does so many other things, he too could be all-knowing.  What kind of dog eats receipts?  This one, a four-legged mobile landfill with an iron stomach and a penchant for crop-dusting:


If you are what you eat
Then it logically follows
My dog is, in part,
Everything that he swallows

His kibble is organic
High-quality, the best
To balance out the “junk food”
I know he’ll ingest

Tidbits from our plates
Coffee sloshed from our cups
Water slurped from the toilet
When he finds the lid up

Bites of garbage and compost
Panties filched from the laundry
Used Q-tip or Kleenex?
His morning snack quandary

Green fuzz peeled from tennis balls
Bits of rawhide and toys
Tons of small plastic squeakers
That no longer make noise

A piece of a seatbelt
Chomp-chomped from my Honda
And a turn signal knob
I was also quite fond of

Weeds, grasses, and dirt
Maybe snowballs, in season
Nips of charcoal and applewood
With their flavors so pleasing

Couch cushions and afghans
Pillows and blankets
All so toothsome and comforting
When he’s sleepy or anxious

His tummy churns as it mixes
Meals and “treats” al a carte
Forming gas he will pass
With each SBD fart

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3 thoughts on “IF YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT…

  1. Effie Harris March 6, 2016 / 12:40 pm

    I love the way you write and explain everything, just the way I am thinking it , but can’t put it into words the way you do.Indeed you are a great writer, as I have known all my life by all the mail, I have ever gotten from you!!
    Lots of love always Mom


    • Just Joan November 26, 2018 / 2:20 pm

      Yeah, we tease a lot about this guy’s “busy teeth” 🙂


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